On A Misson to Find Jeweled Flats, I Fall Flat

Did you like my Times-esque headline? ALWAYS start with a subordinate clause, children!

Anyway, today I saw a woman wearing the CUTEST pair of jeweled flats. They were camel-ish colored with a few big rhinestones in jewel tones. They were perfectly casual but not tacky looking. I immediately kicked the Googs into high gear searching for them, but I netted disappointed results, though I did discover some unbelievably bad horbsness too rich not to share.

First, here's the okay stuff.


($149, Juicy Couture, Smartbargains)
I barely came close to finding a beige/ camel color. These are cute but very Christmasy.



($295, Miu Miu, Bluefly)
Same story with these.



($473, Miu Miu, Net-a-porter)
Too tony.



($21, Steve Madden, eBay)
Cute, but still... no cigar. :/



($33, Wanted, Amazon)



($99, Cole Haan G-Series, Gothamcityonline.com)
I'm actually pretty surprised I like these. I generally do NOT like "sporty" comfort shoes. If I want sporty comfort, I'll wear my Sauconys, not a "dressy" version of sneakers. Usually that makes me want to hurl, but these are actually fairly cute. Like, I wouldn't buy them myself, but if someone gave them to me for free, I'd find a way to wear them, you know?



($489, Marc Jacobs, Net-a-porter.com)
I don't usually go googoo pants over Marc Jacobs shoes, but these are a dream in both white and in the black version.



($32, Wanted, Amazon)
Extremely cute, but I'm getting farther and farther away from the point: I can't find camel-colored jeweled flats!


Anyway, here's the utterly vulgar shit I found. It's almost all from Bluefly (for shame!)

($1,760, Crystalishious, Electricladyland.com)
Wow. Like Camp Beverly Hills without the... will to live???



($229, Dolce & Gabbana, Bluefly)
These look like some Sally Struthers "Feed The Children" shit. Maybe someone should donate their value to hungry children. It'd be money much better spent.



($99, Antoinette, Thelustweekend.com)
Please do not wear these unless you are actually, actively performing ballet.



($79, Kate Spade, Bluefly)
Note: these were actually listed in the WOMEN'S shoe section. Not the GIRLS'. Perhaps I should report an error??



($256, Jean-Michel Cazabat, Bluefly)
You're basically required by law to wear a Chanel jacket, too much blush and eight gallons of overpowering perfume with these shoes.



($39, French Sole, Bluefly)
Is this an example of the French playing a cruel joke on Americans? Like, "Vich of zem eez doom enoof to buy zees? SACRE BLEU!"



($302, Giuseppe Zanotti, Bluefly)
It's bad enough that a mink had to die to make these schizophrenic pieces of shit. It's even worse that the mink lives on aside purple velvet!