Wicker Is For Patio Furniture...

... Not your feet, okay? Same goes for rattan, jute, straw and raffia. Actually, ESPECIALLY for raffia. That shit is itchy and scratchy, and really, like cockroaches, do either really serve ANY purpose except to be annoying? Yet still, Stella (Ms. McCartney if yer nasty) insists upon basketweaving them into footwear, and the well-heeled set (or those who consider themselves so) drink it up with a straw.

Really? These??



($575, Stella McCartney, Barneys)
Hideous, unflattering, and may God help you should you go within 40 feet of a fired-up grill. And is there anything worse than witnessing a girl (usually overly fake tanned by about six or seven shades) in a dangerously short babydoll dress hobbling over a subway grate in 6-inch-high wicker walkers, desperately trying to maintain balance while avoiding a "Seven-Year Itch" moment? Seriously, one of the worst of all summer fashion cliches.



($575, Stella McCartney, Bergdorf Goodman)
Nope. Still terrible!



($495, VPL)
Is this someone's idea of a cruel joke?



($640, Fendi, Barneys)
They're not wicker or whatever, but close enough, as they ARE hateful. Glakdfjl;asdjfsl;aj!



($34, Connie, Shoes.com)
Avert your eyes!



($520, Fendi, Barneys)
Fendi's high-heel version of a five-car-pileup. It's as though the ankle strap is the freaking jaws of life, desperately attempting to free the helpless victim (in this case, your foot) from its captor (in this case, this God awful excuse for a shoe).



($615, Manolo Blahnik, Bergdorf Goodman)
What's that old adage about money not buying taste?



(Apprx $35 USD, Dorothy Perkins)
If you absolutely MUST, these aren't bad, though I'm rarely a huge fan of the T-bar.



($29, SM New York, Shop.com)
Finally, a pair of raffia shoes that don't make me want to gouge my eyes out. BTW, loks like SM New York is Steve Madden's lower-rent label. I always thought Steve Madden shoes were unreasonably priced, so yay for this.



($521, Hollywould, Ilovehollywould.com)
Apparently what we have here is one of the season's "it bags," though that's not saying much considering another "it bag" is an obnoxious send-off of a bag poor people keep their earthly belongs in. Anyway, what's so special about this clutch? Sure it's cute, especially if you're going to the Kentucky Derby, (which is SOOOOOOO two weeks ago), but you can find a straw clutch in any half-way decent vintage shop. And I'll hazard a guess that they're well below $500 bucks and that the above clutch ain't worth 5 Benjamins.



($225, Isabella Fiore, Bergdorf Goodman)
If you're still jonesing for an expensive straw clutch, this is pretty cute and half the price of Hollywould's. I like the white version too.



($108, Franchi, Zappos.com)
Much better.



($68, Mad Imports)
Juicy and delish colors, and no hideous ornamentation!!! THANK you!

I'm also feeling some of their other "all-natural" products that don't make me want to toss my recycling in the trash in protest of aesthetic bastardization:


($110, Mad Imports)



($98, Mad Imports)

K, bye!